Tuesday, November 08, 2011

An Open Letter To Asgard Press

Dear Asgard Press editorial staff:

I am a big fan of your products. My home and office are decorated with some great vintage Marvel comic book cover posters. Every year, I look forward to opening the Vintage Alabama Football program calendar. This year, I was using the 2011 version as a desk calendar. Fortunately, I can ignore November's abysmal selection by covering it with some files. Had I opted for a wall-mounted solution, I'd have to cover it with a picture of a LOLcat or perhaps a faux-motivational poster based around real case headings that I find while researching.

For the love of all that is holy, who vets your choices for these calendars?

I look forward to November. College football is entering its ninth week, and Bama plays Auburn. Even during the most Shula-tastic season, there's always the Iron Bowl. Imagine my surprise when I found this image slated for the month of November:

Seriously? The Auburn Tiger watering the field with the blood of the Crimson Tide? Even if we assume that the water is red to simply satirize the colors of the opposing team, that shade of red is nowhere near crimson. If the Bear were alive, well, I'm just glad that he's not around to see this. 

This is some seriously clownshoes editing. Here's a better image:

Admittedly, it doesn't have that Pogo-esque panache that the big cartoon tiger possesses. All that program needs is a scoreboard in the background that reads "We" and "They." This program, on the other hand has several distinct advantages for inclusion in the calendar most likely purchased by an Alabama fan or his/her immediate family: 

1) It doesn't say "Official Auburn Program" on it. Even if it IS an official Auburn program, I am none the wiser. 

2) This art is boring, but it doesn't suggest that Bama lose, nor does it suggest that Auburn water the field WITH THE BLOOD OF THE TEAM. It's a wretched choice given that it isn't Big Al shoving the Tiger into a wood chipper all Fargo-style. Admittedly, the art on my randomly Googled choice is really boring. Pretty, but boring. 

3) Did I mention that it's not specifically a comment that Bama should lose to Auburn? I mean come on. Some Bama fans (read as: most) take the whole Iron Bowl thing a bit seriously. The guy who poisoned the trees at Toomers? Way too seriously. Crazy wingnut asshats aside, rooting against Bama in November is just not how Tide fans roll. 

Let's face it. There are loads of Bama-Auburn program covers that show Denny Chimes and some Auburn landmark. They're a bit of a snooze. The ones that involve blowing up the Tide, making a rug out of an elephant, and serving the team as pink lemonade are much sexier. I get it. 

So put 'em in the Auburn calendar. 

If you must pad the Alabama calender with a less snooze-worthy program cover, include this one:

Sure, it's clearly an Auburn program. But at very least it celebrates the friendly rivalry between the two schools. Also, it doesn't involve the Tiger abusing the corpse, bodily fluids, or physical integrity of the Tide. Bama lost this game and I would rather see this than some demented Tiger practicing potentially biodynamic farming methods.

So there it is. Asgard Press, get it right. It doesn't take much research to figure out what your target audience wants. Moreover, Roll Tide!